Entry 5
This is my second watch of Like Grains of Sand (1995) and god I've never felt so close to a character before. Ito's experience mirrors so much of my adolescence as an innocent little gay boy who only wants a chance to feel the love that's all around them. The struggle of both being given and holding out hope for something that's likely to never come. The devastation in watching the person you love experience a connection you know deep down will never include you. Feeling like you're being punished for not being "normal" and wondering if there's even a point in continuing, it's all captured so authentically. Even at the age I am now, fragments of these thoughts still loom over me like distant, gray clouds. It's so difficult feeling like you belong in a society where everything is centered around characteristics that you'll never have. Heteronormativity seeps into every crevice of our daily life and marks the standard for every action we're to take, it's so isolating. Especially in such a volatile period in your life, such as being a teenager, it can feel like the end of the world for queer kids. The entire movie is also such a heartwarming depiction of kids just being themselves. Awkward, stupid, naive, reckless, just stumbling around trying to find their footing. Ryosuke Hashiguchi has quickly become one of my favorite directors and it honestly makes me feel so seen. At a time where I still hold so much embarrassment and guilt for the feelings I've developed and expressed, knowing it's such a common experience does bring forth more sympathy for myself. If only things could be simpler...